Arizona vs. Pittsburgh (-6.5)

Look, I’ll admit it – (unlike every other game this season!) I have no idea who is going to win this game. And it’s comical of anyone else to think they know either.

If they play this game 10 times, I say the Steelers win seven to nine of them. Their defense is outstanding and, cliché or not, great defense beats great offense. Plus, the Cardinals are a 9-7 team from an historically awful division, and a team that was routinely embarrassed late in the season. You don’t suddenly become an unbeatable football team.

So, all things equal, the Steelers win this game fairly easily. But things are rarely equal. Someone gets hurt. A fluke play happens. There’s a blown call. Your team leader decides to get some oral sex from a cop the night before the game. The opposing quarterback pukes all over himself while attempting to run a two-minute drill in seven minutes. Some crap receiver catches a pass from a scared, moron quarterback off of his freaking helmet.

Throw in two weeks of game prep and anything can happen. And there’s just no way to know what might be. There are an infinite number of possibilities.

POSSIBILITY #1

Kurt Warner gets hurt. He’s old, right? And the Steelers have a good pass rush. So Matt Leinart comes into the game. Advantage Steelers! Or so you think. Leinart is sacked three plays in a row by Troy Polamalu, James Harrison and James Farrior. However, as they wrap him up around the waist, some of his herpes gets in their eyes! Oh, no! Eye herpes! So Polamalu, Harrison and Farrior are out for the game. The Cardinals win, 24-21.

POSSIBILITY #2

Troy Polamalu gets hurt. And that one is almost a guarantee – I’ve already seen the tape: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOB8Gi8I_xQ. The Steelers are doomed! But he goes back to get some treatment that will help him re-enter the game. The Steelers are saved! But along the way, some annoying little kid pumps his system full of diet cola, causing his kidneys to fail. The Steelers are doomed! They are forced to play terrible backup safety Anthony Smith. Double doomed! However, Smith has learned to harness his greatest strength – the eyes on the side of his head: http://msn.foxsports.com/fe/img/NFL/Headshots/140x170/7832.jpg – and is able to easily keep an eye on both Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin, allowing fellow safety Ryan Clark to blitz at will. The Steelers win, 17-10.

POSSIBILITY #3

Larry Fitzgerald, who we have all learned the last two weeks is the greatest football player ever, is absolutely dominant. His perfect route running leaves him wide open on every play. He can run much faster and jump far higher than anyone else on the field. Nay, anyone else ever! He is unstoppable! The Steelers have no hope against him! Oh, but wait … it turns out Kurt Warner is getting rushed on every play and doesn’t have enough time to get the ball to Fitzgerald. And because the Cardinal have a comically awful running game, Pittsburgh is able to put six guys on Fitzgerald. So a receiver is able to single-handedly dominate a football game. What?! Yes, somehow that occurs! Steelers win, 95-3. (Seriously, is there a player who is less able to dominate a football game than a wide receiver? About 14 other things have to happen in order to successfully pass the ball to a receiver.)

POSSIBILITY #4

Kurt Warner, the savvy veteran, tries to turn the Pittsburgh defense’s aggressive style against it. Snap after snap, he attempts to draw them offsides. Unfortunately, he is terrible at drawing anything: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MiFybqLFeY. He burns up all of Arizona’s timeouts and is constantly penalized for delay of game. Steelers win 35-10.

POSSIBILITY #5

The Steelers take a comfortable first half lead. On the way to the locker room, Ben Roethlisberger takes off his helmet. He is instantly run over by a trainer’s cart. Arizona wins 24-17.

I’d say off my five scenarios, the last one is probably the most likely to happen.
My pick: Pittsburgh

Last week vs. spread: 2-0


Last week just winners: 1-1

Season vs. spread: 127-132-7
Season just winners: 168-97-1

***Lukewarm Locks last week: 0-0
***Lukewarm Locks last season: 7-4