One week after Tiger Woods announced he will not play golf for the remainder of the 2008 season due to a knee injury, the sport is already seeing a dramatic decline in its TV ratings.

            “Tiger really brings in Cablanasian viewers,” said PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem. “But now our nation’s Cablanasian population is turning off golf with their white-black-Asian icon out of commission. And we currently don’t have any good Cablanasian golfers who can step in for him to keep that demographic’s interest.”

            While NBC pulled in record ratings for the U.S. Open at Torrey Pines, which Woods won in dramatic fashion over Rocco Mediate, but took a dramatic nosedive for last weekend’s Travelers Championship, the first event played sans Woods.

            “We can’t say the entire drop was due to Cablanasians turning golf off,” said Nielsen Ratings spokesman Jeffrey Tamore. “But give me another reasonable explanation. You can’t. For example, I watched less basketball when Larry Bird retired. And I’m sure Cablanasians behave pretty much the same when it comes to that stuff as the rest of us. Implying differently sounds like something an anti-Cablanasite would say, don’t you think?”

            Finchem admits no one knows the exact number of Cablanasians in the United States, but he’s sure there are a lot.

            “The U.S. Census Bureau for some reason doesn’t record Cablanasians,” he said. “The only one we know of for sure is Tiger Woods. But here’s what else we do know: there are a lot of white people. And a lot of black people. And a lot of Asian people. And people like to have sex. It stands to reason, then, that many of these people have had sex together. I know several of my friends, for example, who are totally into Asian chicks. Throw that all together and … boom! All of a sudden you’ve got yourself a few hundred million Cablanasians. And right now they’re not watching golf.”

Some in the golf community fear that if Woods’ rehabilitation drags on longer than expected, the sport could lose Cablanasians for good.

            “I am afraid we’ll be ruined if the Cablanasian community discovers the Food Network,” said Finchem. “Have you seen all of the fusion food they cook on that channel? Cablanasians love that stuff.”