Former champion Fuzzy Zoeller had to be consoled by fellow golfers after Trevor Immelman of South Africa held on to win the Masters on Sunday.

“Oh, jeez. An actual African won the Masters? This is getting ridiculous. I’m so sick of these darkies ruining Augusta,” Zoeller was overheard complaining.

“Fuzzy is pretty upset about it,” said Tom Watson. “He won’t even listen to reason. He won’t even stop crying and look up at the TV screen to see what Immelman looks like.”

Zoeller said he would have been okay with Tiger Woods winning.

“I realize that is this South African wouldn’t have won, it would have been Woods,” said Zoeller. “But at least he is an American black guy – you know, or whatever weird hybrid race he is. But this Immelman guy – who knows about him. He’s right out of Africa. He might be all into voodoo or whatever it is they do. How do we know he didn’t do magic voodoo to make all of his putts go in?”

The 1979 Masters champion said he doesn’t even know what to expect with next year’s Champions Dinner.

“Forget the fried chicken and collard greens,” said Zoeller. “I don’t think they eat that over there. They eat like dirt and insects and stuff. No way I’m eating that crap. I’ll eat a lion, I guess. Maybe monkey brains. But no dirt. That’s where I draw the line with my tolerance of other races.”

Zoeller became even more distraught when Watson and other golfers told him that former two-time Masters champion Gary Player is also from South Africa.

“What?! No! No, no, no, no! Gary Player is not from Africa! I won’t believe it,” said Zoeller. “I had that man over to my house. I let him near my kids. It’s just like those people to be liars and cheats.”