With their first playoff game in four years just days away, the Chicago Cubs announced today that they have finished installing an invisible shield of lasers surrounding the perimeter of Wrigley Field that will slice off the arms of any fans who attempt to interfere with a ball in play.

            “We’re calling it the Bartman Wall,” said Cubs general manager Jim Hendry. “We haven’t won a World Series in almost 100 years, and we’re taking every measure possible to end that streak this year.”

            The installation of the lasers cost more than $7 million and leaves the Cubs open to many times that in personal injury lawsuits, but the team does not want a repeat of the 2003 NLCS when Steve Bartman prevented leftfielder Moises Alou from catching a crucial Game 6 fly ball.

            “Wall of lasers or not, someone was going to get hurt if anything like that happened on my watch,” said manager Lou Piniella. “If some glasses-wearing, walkman-listening dork prevented me from winning a World Series, I’d pull him out of the stands and beat him to death. Now such a person will only lose a hand or an arm – and with a clean cut, too, so it likely will be able to be sewn back on. That’s a better fate than they’d have with me.”

            Hendry says the team is announcing the laser wall installation now so fans have fair warning.

            “We don’t want to see anyone innocent get injured,” said Hendry. “We just want what’s best for the team. So, parents, please don’t let your kids lean out over the wall to try to get an autograph. Trust me on this, nothing good will happen. And I sure don’t want our players to be distracted because some little kid’s head is rolling around in foul territory before the game.”

            The infamous Bartman says he is not worried about the laser wall.

            “I don’t think I will be attending any games, unfortunately,” he said. “I can’t risk losing an arm. They’re all I have to protect me when random passersby recognize me and attack.”