NFL ne’er-do-wells Adam “Pacman” Jones and Chris Henry say they are disappointed in the unpaid suspensions they have received from NFL commissioner, but are excited about what they can accomplish with all of their free time in the next six to 12 months.

            “When we were both at West Virginia, we always used to say up talking late into the night about all the different crimes we wanted to commit – who we wanted to rob, who we wanted to have our posses kill for us, what bitches we wanted to give stitches,” said Bengals receiver Chris Henry, who was suspended for eight games. “But never in our wildest dreams did we think we’d have the time to do it all.”

            “Chris used to tell me all the time that my idea to rob a bank while getting a lap dance was impossible,” said Titans defensive back Pacman Jones, who received a season-long suspension. “But now I’ll have time to workshop it a little more, you know? Maybe if I drive in on a wheelchair or something, I can have a stripper sitting on me and I can be stuffing singles in her g-string while I point the gun at the teller with my left hand. That might work. I’d just have to make sure they don’t call the cops while I’m burying my face in her titties.”

            Henry says the toughest part of the suspension will be prioritizing.

            “Right now eight games seems like an eternity and November feels like a long time from now,” said Henry. “But it will be here before I know it. So I need to use this time wisely. I don’t want to still be robbing old ladies’ of their purses in late October, when I could be doing something really big and memorable – like stealing some famous painting over in Europe or something like that. But before I do that, I want to rape an animal. I’ve never done it with an animal.”

            Jones hopes to use the next year to give himself a crime resume unrivaled by anyone else.

            “I want to check off all the standard crimes,” he said. “Murder, armed robbery, kidnapping, rape, maybe even terrorism. Sure, some of them are clichéd, but I want to cross everything off the list. The trick will be doing all of this without Goodell finding out, because he’ll throw me out of the league forever and I like getting NFL money. So maybe my murder will have to be the murder of him. That’ll save me some grief later on.”