After several days of requests from a handful of scouts at the NFL combine to weigh and measure his manhood, former Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn finally relented on Tuesday.

            “I keep hearing how my stock is dropping, so after talking it over with my agent, we thought I should do whatever the scouts ask of me to keep them happy,” said Quinn. “It was really awkward, but I think it will be beneficial in the end. The Raiders guy said that since I let him touch it and photograph it, they’ll draft me No. 1. Apparently Al Davis is some kind of sexual deviant and wanted a picture. I can’t say I’m all that surprised.”

            Quinn’s official measurement of 5.15 inches – 7.75 inches expanded – allayed any lingering doubts anyone had about the stud quarterback.

            “He has a chiseled jaw. Thick, beautiful hair. Smoldering eyes and hard, brawny muscles,” said Carolina Panthers scout Mike Hunter. “But until you know what kind of equipment he’s carrying down below, you have no idea if he can truly live up to all of your fantasies. Now I know he can.”

            Browns scout Hank Petrelli says Quinn’s measurements were sufficient, but far below what he had hoped.

            “In my mind I pictured it hanging all the way to his knees,” said Petrelli. “And it was black. And tattooed on the shaft was ‘I love Browns scout Hank Petrelli.’ But it wasn’t any of that. So I might have to drop him in my quarterback rankings.”