Mark Sousa, an openly gay college basketball player who is out for the season with a knee injury, say his season away from the sport has been made all the more difficult due to his inability to rape his straight teammates when they shower.

            “Everyone knows how we gay athletes are,” said Sousa. “We get in a shower with other naked guys and we just pounce. Throw them to the floor, wrestle around with them, and do all kinds of gay stuff. We just can’t help ourselves – and it doesn’t matter that they are our teammates and our friends. We gays simply have to penetrate each and every naked male that we see. That’s just how it is.”

            But Sousa says that his knee injury has kept him away from the typical locker room scene this year – a fact that has left him seriously jonesing for a good shower attack.

            “Oh, man, I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve accosted an unsuspecting straight guy in the shower,” says Sousa. “Too long, I know that much. And if I’m unable to completely rehab my knee and return to the team, I’ll be forced to troll various public gyms and rec leagues and have my way with their straight showerers. It’s not the best tail, but I guess it would have to do.”

            That fear and the desire to get back to his teammates are the biggest reasons Sousa is spending six to eight hours each day rehabbing his knee.

            “I want to get back so I can play basketball, yes, but the main reason I play basketball is for the access to a dozen tall, fit, naked guys to rape in the shower,” says Sousa. “That’s the whole reason I got into the sport in the first place. And as much as I need a good strong knee on the court, I need one even more in the shower so I have a good, strong base for raping and so I can be mobile enough to hold onto them when they try to escape. Those heteros are slippery when they’re in the shower.”

            Sousa’s teammates say they have mixed feelings about his return to the team.

            “I don’t miss the shower rapings, I know that much,” said power forward Geoff McElroy. “But Mark can really shoot the three and we’ve been missing that this year so we could use him back out there. And personally, I want him back, because it was when he was attacking me that he blew out his knee. He stepped on a bar of soap while thrusting and it gave out. So while I’m disgusted by his gayness, I feel bad about how he got hurt.”