Newly acquired Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens has been feverishly studying Dallas game film since signing with the team on Saturday, intent on learning his new team’s system as soon as possible, but mostly so he can learn his quarterback’s weaknesses and use them to destroy him once the season begins.

            “I never played with Drew Bledsoe before and I’m looking forward to it,” said Owens. “I hear he has a whole bunch of flaws – stuff I can use to completely destroy his confidence, reputation and ability to lead. But I don’t want to rely on hearsay. I want to see what he sucks at with my own eyes. Then I’ll use that information to put together a plan to destroy him.”

             Owens’ agent, Drew Rosenhaus, said Bledsoe and the Cowboys present the perfect opportunity for his client.

            “We had several opportunities out there – the Broncos, Chiefs, Buccaneers,” said Rosenhaus. “But Dallas was the best fit. It’s a high-profile team that will keep Terrell in the spotlight, allowing his ego to thrive, and they have a deeply flawed quarterback on the downside of his career. It’s a win-win situation.”

            Owens claims he is still weeks away from formulating set plan for destroying his new quarterback, but says several strong options have already begun to emerge.

            “I’ve noticed that Drew has almost zero mobility,” said Owens. “That means I can say we’d be a lot better if we had a mobile quarterback like a Michael Vick or Daunte Culpepper. That way, not only do I drive a wedge into the locker room, but I make it a race issue which will cause it to be an even bigger national story. Plus, if I say I wish he was mobile like Donovan McNabb or Jeff Garcia it will absolutely blow people’s minds. I mean, this is so going to be so easy for me it won’t even be funny.”