With Gary Barnett’s tumultuous tenure as head football coach at Colorado finally coming to an end last week with his dismissal, plans are already underway for his farewell party. And those with details of the shindig say it will make Colorado’s famed recruiting parties look like bingo night at the VFW.

            “I’m telling you, if there’s any way you can get on the list for this party do it,” said Colorado athletics director Mike Bohn. “It’s going to be like nothing anyone has ever seen before.”

            Top prostitutes and strippers are being brought in for the event not just from Boulder or Denver or Colorado Springs, but from the entire Rocky Mountain region and some from as far away as New York and Miami.

            “The coup de grace, so to speak,” said Bohn, “will be his farewell cake. We got Katie Hnida to agree to jump out of it naked. I can’t wait to see the look on Gary’s face when that happens.”

            Bohn, who fired Barnett, said there is no conflict of interest in also coordinating the coach’s farewell party.

            “None at all. I personally would have loved to keep the guy around. This campus has never been so much fun as when Gary was our coach. But eventually we had to start worrying about the reputation of our school nationwide, so I had to let him go,” said Bohn. “But he’s going to go out in style. If this party doesn’t end with some football recruits getting arrested for killing a hooker, I’ll be shocked. I expect it to be that good. Plus, since we kind of have an alibi on this party since Gary is no longer an employee. No matter what happens we can say the University of Colorado had nothing to do with it. We just need to make sure none of the trustees get arrested or knock up any co-eds or anything like that.”