Skateboarding legend turned corporate pitchman Tony Hawk took his latest step towards completely abandoning his sport’s counterculture roots today by announcing he will soon be offering investors “extreme” Tony Hawk-brand mutual funds.
But Hawk insists he is not selling out.
“These mutual funds are for totally radical investors who want to take it to the max,” said Hawk. “The fund only invests in extreme companies, like Pepsi, who makes Mountain Dew. I feel these types of companies are best-suited to deliver investors extreme profits down the road. Totally!”
In addition to PepsiCo, other corporations in Hawk’s fund include Exxon Mobil and Wal-Mart.
“On the surface, they might not seem like extreme, to-the-max companies, but plastic – which is made from petroleum – is used in many skateboards, hence Exxon Mobil stock being in the fund, and Wal-Mart sells skateboards and skateboard supplies, as well as Blink 182 CDs – the most kick-ass skate band ever. Cowabunga!"

Arizona Cardinals draft pick Matt Leinart remains the only first-round draft pick without a contract today, as emerging details from the negotiations suggest that it’s not money that is the stumbling block, but the former USC star’s insistence that Pac-10 teams fill the bulk of Arizona’s schedule.
“Matt has no desire to play against NFL defenses,” said Tom Condon, Leinart’s agent, “as they actual are defenses and can cover people, and tackle and intercept passes. None of that plays to Matt’s strengths, which is getting the ball to talented teammates who can then make plays against overmatched opponents. And if we see that’s not going to happen here, then we’ll sit out the whole season if we have to.”
As much as the Cardinals want to get their top draft pick into camp, the team says Leinart’s insistence of playing against the likes of Cal, Oregon and UCLA in the NFL is not a contract demand they can meet.
“God knows we’d love to play all those lousy teams, too,” said Cardinals head coach Dennis Green. “That would give us a better chance of finally making the playoffs. But this is the NFL, so you have to play NFL teams. And while I know getting exposed as a mediocre quarterback scares Matt, he needs to step up and face his fears like a man.”

Cleveland Browns tight end Kellen Winslow, Jr., who hasn’t been on a football field in nearly two years due to injuries, stated last week that he feels he is 90-percent back to being the complete a-hole he was when he came into the NFL in 2004.
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ESPN and other media outlets reported today that new Dallas Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens called his head coach, Bill Parcells, “a huge, fat, faggot who smells like dirty, stinky farts.” While in reality Owens said no such thing, the horde of reporters at Cowboys camp can’t wait to break the “news” to Parcells today in hopes it will set off the fireworks between the two they have been waiting to see.
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With less than 50 games left on their schedule and a commanding 10-game lead in the American League Central, the Detroit Tigers have to begin the historic collapse that was predestined for them as soon as possible or they’re going to disappoint a lot of people.
“It’s do or die time now,” said Tigers outfielder Magglio Ordonez. “If we’re going to fall out of first we have to start losing and fast. We’ve dug ourselves this hole and now we have to climb out of it.”
New first baseman Sean Casey says he is confident the team can come through.
“I’ve played for the Reds and Pirates my whole career,” said Casey. “I know what it takes to lose. If I have to put this team on my back and carry them to the cellar, I’ll do that. But it’s time for all of us to step up and play poorly or we’re going to make the playoffs. And no one wants to watch the Detroit Tigers in the playoffs.”

I can’t say I’m all that surprised that Floyd Landis was caught cheating. And I hate to paint an entire religious denomination with a broad brush, but name one Mennonite athlete who hasn’t been exposed as a cheater. Exactly. You can’t. As far as I know, all Mennonite athletes are cheaters. Of course, I could be wrong. And I’ll be happy to admit as much if any Mennonite readers care to jump on their laptops or Blackberrys and e-mail me with some examples of honest Mennonite athletes. I’ll be waiting, Mennonites.

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