Steinbrenner Signs 10-Game Winning Streak to Lucrative Deal, Inserts it into Standings

Yankees owner George Steinbrenner inked a 10-game winning streak to a multi-million dollar contract Monday afternoon, after watching his team lose seven of its last nine games and three-straight series. The 10 wins were immediately inserted into the AL East standings, giving the Yankees a commanding lead over the Boston Red Sox.
“I was tired of watching this team play like every other team. I’m not paying $150 million in payroll to have them squeak into a World Series title. I want them to dominate,” said Steinbrenner.
Steinbrenner stated that if the Yankees new lead over Boston doesn’t hold, he will purchase the Red Sox and send the entire franchise to the minors.

Spurs Apologize as Shaq Considers New Album and ‘Kazaam 2’

The San Antonio Spurs delivered a formal apology to the nation on Friday after realizing that their elimination of Shaquille O’Neal and the Los Angeles Lakers from the NBA playoffs freed up time for Shaq to work on another rap album or movie.
“We would like to express our deepest regrets,” said Tim Duncan. “In the heat of the battle we forgot the implications of what beating the Lakers would mean.”
O’Neal has not starred in a movie since 1997’s ‘Steel,’ and hasn’t recorded an album since 1998, two years before the Lakers began their run of titles.
“We can only hope and pray, along with the rest of the nation, that Shaq duplicates 1999 and 2000 – years in which he went without a title, movie and album – and focuses solely on basketball this offseason,” said Duncan.

Soldier Says Faith in Dale Earnhardt Pulled Him Through War’s Toughest Trials

Ricky Rurich, a 24-year old Army Ranger from Holly Springs, North Carolina, returned home Saturday from action in Iraq to a warm welcome from his family and friends. While giving his fellow soldiers and commanding officers their due, Rurich credited his successful tour of duty and safe return home to his undying faith in Dale Earnhardt, Sr.
“The thought of Dale got me through a lot of tough times over there,” Rurich said. “Even when things were tough and I got down, I just trusted that he was looking down on me, which always put me back into high gear.”
Rurich passed time during pauses in battle by reading passages of his Dale Earnhardt commemorative book, ‘Dale Sr.: Intimidating to the End,’ or gazing into a photo of the late NASCAR driver. “The shape of his mustache always seemed to fill me with such peace,” said Rurich.
Rurich recalled the most intense part of his fighting came in late March when his unit stormed an Iraqi stronghold outside of Baghdad. “We were under intense fire. Several of my friends got hit and I didn’t know if I was strong enough to go on. But right when I was about to give up, I remembered The Winston in 1987 when Dale took a bump that knocked him into the grass but he still held on for the victory. That gave me the strength to go on.”